Bloody Bastards

Imagine flailing your limbs like a drunken puppet at medieval fight night while trying to decapitate your own bloodline. That’s Bloody Bastards, a wildly satisfying 2D physics brawler where your worst enemies are also your bastard brothers. And gravity.

Armed with whatever medieval murder stick you can get your hands on, be it daggers, axes, spears, or maces, you’ll tap and hold each side of the screen to independently control your arms. The catch? You don’t control your legs or balance. That’s left to the game’s delightfully unpredictable ragdoll engine, which is just as likely to help you land a flying overhead strike as it is to flip you onto your own sword.

There’s no combo system, no parry button, just timing, momentum, and raw medieval chaos. And that simplicity hides some wicked depth. Weapons handle differently: spears need thrust, axes demand wind-up, hammers are all about timing. Add armor to your noggin or chest and you might live longer… but you’ll tire faster. Exhaustion mid-swing? That’s death by your own design.

Across 500 (!) levels, you’ll fight increasingly unhinged enemies who, like you, are barely holding themselves together, sometimes literally. The gore is outrageous, with limbs flying, heads rolling, and blood painting the battlefield like a low-res Jackson Pollock.

Multiplayer? Oh, it’s there. And it’s gloriously unhinged. Once you’ve mastered the art of drunken flail-swordsmanship, nothing beats testing it against another real-life bastard online.

The only real downside? You’ll get slapped with ads between matches, and there’s no way to pay them off. But considering the carnage on offer, it’s a small price to pay for medieval mayhem done right.